Such as I am…

I often feel that I have to have things all figured out before I write a post! I feel a pull to write anyway, so here goes….

I am planning to go on a backpacking with my daughter and she had an idea to take a long  walk/jog to prepare. I love to do that sort of thing, and also to encourage her in her goals ~ so we did it!

I knew that it would likely be hard to eat enough to make up for the weight burned, and also that it would give me a sense of triumph and a boost to my body and mind to do it. All of this was true. I love the way I feel when I do a long fast walk or bike ride ~ it seems to help my digestion, appetite, and mood, and yet I also lose weight!

Recently, I told a few close women friends and family about my goals for gaining weight and asked for their support. It wasn’t easy for me to open up like that, but they responded beautifully, calling or texting to tell me they love me and encouraging me to nourish myself in all ways. What a blessing ~

Yet I found myself not wanting to write to them again until I could say that I am truly on my way to the goal. I felt so thankful for their responses, yet also vulnerable, especially with my daughters. I want them to be proud of me and I want to be grounded and a good example.

I am thinking that being a good example also means being real.

My mom was an alcoholic, but she gave up alcohol and recovered, starting after I had my first child. What I’m really grateful for when remembering her, is not that she was perfect, but that we loved each other and I KNEW HER WELL.

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This is a lesson for me to keep working to recover fully and be strong and healthy – for the love of my family and myself. I hope to remember that I am lovable all along the (sometimes bumpy) road. I may always have to pay some attention to this stubborn and tricky disorder, but I do believe I can recover.

As far as exercising goes…my sister suggested that right now may be a time to focus on muscle and strength building exercises and keep the calorie burning kind to a minimum. I will try to find a balance, and I do trust my willingness to keep working on myself until I find what’s right.

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I will keep going, a day and a moment at a time. I will notice my emotions and find ways to express and release (writing, music, fierce dancing??!!) and mostly be gentle and kind to myself.

It’s been a stressful year, with many outer changes at once. My sister also said “These would be tough times…without God! And the support of loving people in our lives.” Amen!

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