I stopped seeing my ED therapist a while ago. I learned so much from the sessions about how my own patterns worked, and received valuable advice. Now it is time to apply what I learned. I told him once, “I’m very good at insights…” (revelations, understanding…) and yet I hadn’t gained any weight in 5 months!
I am 55 years old, and I think I have gained some wisdom over the years. Yet I’m still recovering from this stubborn disorder. I did eventually gain some weight while in therapy, and then lost it again after our home urned down and during the ensuing stressful time. I decided to start this blog as part of my own healing process, and to hopefully help others in some way.
I am grateful and delighted to find I am also learning and being reminded of important truths from reading other bloggers. For example, that eating disorders are actually a mental illness. Recovery is possible, but not easy! For those of us with anorexia, (and some related disorders) gaining weight is very difficult, both physically and emotionally.
Also, though mindfulness and tuning in to our bodies is a wonderful practice, with anorexia, a healthy weight needs to be reached in order to truly recover. For one thing, our set-point has been thrown off for so long, it does not seem to work to simply “listen and trust our bodies.” In fact, we have to “over-ride” what our bodies and emotions are telling us in order to gain weight. My therapist used to say “You are going to be uncomfortable.”
I don’t want to give up on savoring my food, or enjoying healthful cooking, or tuning into to what I need and want. But Iwish to add to these things a strong intention to gain a healthy amount of weight within a reasonable time. I feel that this will not only be essential for my recovery, but it is likely the best thing I can do to be a good example for my loved ones dealing with their own issues.
So, I have set myself a specific weight goal! If I don’t meet it by my set time, I will return to my therapist. I’m not sure how I’m going to accomplish this, but I do feel intentions are powerful. Stresses and worries in life can trip me up, and the eating patterns seem to be my fall-back for coping.
I want to take it a day at a time, and use all that I’ve learned. I think the most important single thing for me is turning it all over daily (hourly?) to a higher source.
Some other things that seem to help:
*Talking to a supportive friend weekly. *Receiving massage or foot rubs (an ED nutritionist told me massage helps with weight gain for anorexics!) Even stretching out, relaxing, and rubbing my own feet can help. *Tuning into emotions that come up and writing them in a journal. *Taking peaceful walks in nature, really relaxes me ~ not over-doing, yet long enough to set my mind free…
I do love reading inspirational books. One of my favorites is Dying to Be Me, My journey from cancer, to near death to true healing, by Anita Moorjani. I love the part where she compares her inner self to a kaleidoscope. It is always changing, yet every image is beautiful. Sometimes we can be so hard on ourselves. It helps me to remember, that as I learn, my soul is still beautiful in each part of the process.
I wish to allow myself to feel my emotions, and yet pay attention to all that is good and joyful, and embrace the adventure ~