I’m Good at Insights…

 

I stopped seeing my ED therapist a while ago.  I learned so much from the sessions about how my own patterns worked, and received valuable advice. Now it is time to apply what I learned. I told him once, “I’m very good at insights…” (revelations, understanding…) and yet I hadn’t gained any weight in 5 months!

I am 55 years old, and I think I have gained some wisdom over the years. Yet I’m still recovering from this stubborn disorder. I did eventually gain some weight while in therapy, and then lost it again after our home urned down and during the ensuing stressful time. I decided to start this blog as part of my own healing process, and to hopefully help others in some way.

I am grateful and delighted to find I am also learning and being reminded of important truths from reading other bloggers. For example, that eating disorders are actually a mental illness. Recovery is possible, but not easy! For those of us with anorexia, (and some related disorders) gaining weight is very difficult, both physically and emotionally.

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Also, though mindfulness and tuning in to our bodies is a wonderful practice, with anorexia, a healthy weight needs to be reached in order to truly recover. For one thing, our set-point has been thrown off for so long, it does not seem to work to simply “listen and trust our bodies.” In fact, we have to “over-ride” what our bodies and emotions are telling us in order to gain weight. My therapist used to say “You are going to be uncomfortable.”

I don’t want to give up on savoring my food, or enjoying healthful cooking, or tuning into to what I need and want. But Iwish to add to these things a strong intention to gain a healthy amount of weight within a reasonable time. I feel that this will not only be essential for my recovery, but it is likely the best thing I can do to be a good example for my loved ones dealing with their own issues.

So, I have set myself a specific weight goal! If I don’t meet it by my set time, I will return to my therapist. I’m not sure how I’m going to accomplish this, but I do feel intentions are powerful. Stresses and worries in life can trip me up, and the eating patterns seem to be my fall-back for coping.

I want to take it a day at a time, and use all that I’ve learned. I think the most important single thing for me is turning it all over daily (hourly?) to a higher source.

Some other things that seem to help:

*Talking to a supportive friend weekly. *Receiving massage or foot rubs (an ED nutritionist told me massage helps with weight gain for anorexics!) Even stretching out, relaxing, and rubbing my own feet can help. *Tuning into emotions that come up and writing them in a journal. *Taking peaceful walks in nature, really relaxes me ~ not over-doing, yet long enough to set my mind free…

I do love reading inspirational books.  One of my favorites is Dying to Be Me, My journey from cancer, to near death to true healing, by Anita Moorjani. I love the part where she compares her inner self to a  kaleidoscope. It is always changing, yet every image is beautiful. Sometimes we can be so hard on ourselves. It helps me to remember, that as I learn, my soul is still beautiful in each part of the process.

I wish to allow myself to feel my emotions, and yet pay attention to all that is good and joyful, and embrace the adventure ~

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