Metamorphosis

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I have to share the subtle transformation that occurred this week. For the first time since becoming entangled in anorexia, I have glimpsed being free from it!

In my last post, I wrote about turning the whole issue over to my higher source. I surrendered, and listened, doing my best to follow my intuition. I also remembered something I read ~ if you have a spiritual goal and work towards your intention, it will come true. It may not always appear the way we imagine, but it does unfold in miraculous and surprising ways.

So I thought about framing my wish to overcome my eating issues as a spiritual goal. I realized I want to be healthy so I can fulfill my goals and offer my gifts in this life. And, I especially wish to set an example and be healthy and present for my loved ones.

I considered that even though I’m “turning it over” it is also important to keep my supports in place, such as following my food plan and talking to a supportive friend weekly about my progress. (Trust in God, and tie your camel.)  🙂

I was inspired by a young women’s post about her motivation to stay in recovery from her eating disorder so her cherished, departed grandparent wouldn’t worry about her. I thought of my mom who died several years ago and I let myself feel how she loved me completely, and would want me to be healthy and whole.

This somehow led me to an insight that my husband loves me completely, regardless of whether I put on some weight…I don’t have to worry about securing his love anymore. I have known this in my mind for quite some time, but somehow due to my old patterns, the insecurity persisted. All of a sudden I felt a release.

And then the transformation unfolded ~ I could sense a freedom from this inner critical voice. I “got” what my therapist had said about not being driven by food. For instance ~ I want to eat something, so I eat it. (What a concept!) No worrying about what it will do to me, such as putting on weight, affecting my health, and so on….

What a sense of contentment and acceptance.

Now, I can see that having said this, the patterns still pop up, seemingly out of habit. Since  it’s been with me for so long,  at times the pattern may be re-triggered by stress. It is good to know, that as I’m relaxing, and spreading my wings, I can still use my food plan as a guideline for support. And I definitely want to continue to nurture my self in the ways I have found to be helpful, such as talking, meditating/walking in nature, doing things that bring joy, and tuning in to feelings through journaling.

I will actively engage in these life-affirming things, including  writing this blog, to ground myself in this new freedom ~ so I can fly.

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